The one I loved

I had been struggling to publish this post since it's so private and I never talk about this to anyone since then. But I have decided to publish it since this is my blog, and who cares what others think. And lastly, don't judge.

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I've read through XiaXue's blog post about Mike and she, THE Love Story, and I thought of my relationship with a guy in Canada, which is kinda similar to the pre-relationship of Wendy(aka XiaXue) and Mike. Just we didn't make it through to the day he comes. He was planning to come to Malaysia to visit me and was saving money at that moment. The difference was me and him were still young, which Wendy was already earning and was a little bit older than us at that moment.


I still remember I added him as friend in Facebook in August 2009, but we didn't chat until I found out he knows Mandarin and I chatted with him in Facebook in March 2010, out of curiosity. We started to chat about random stuff, but not everyday due to the different time zone, and then to MSN... We started to liking each other after a month+, and in May I was going on a vacation to China and Hong Kong for 5 days and I found out I missed him like hell. After I came back, he told me he was missing me too and that's the time we got much closer.


He stayed up late every night just to chat with me and webcam with me. We're so in love at that moment, but one thing I don't like about him was he got emotional pretty easily, which pissed me off. My friends were all thought that: that's not gonna work out, you're both too far away blah blah blah, but I didn't care. He was planning to come and I promised to bring him around, but that also stressed me out because I'm still in college and I don't have much time to accompany him when he comes. I started to feel miserable after a few months because of his absent in real life, I can just see him in webcam, but not touch or smell or anything.


I broke up with him in August 2010, which was, actually, I scolded him away! How cruel I was! I remember he was very upset about something, and his emotion made me upset too. We argued, he said I don't care much about him, he wants me to be more soft, which sometimes I didn't, like when he's angry and says he's going to sign off, he wants me to stop him, which usually I won't. Then I thought I couldn't live like that in the future, being controlled by his emotion, be the one he wants me to be, so I want to end this relationship as soon as possible before I fell even deep into it. He begged me, argued with me, begged me again, but I still very stubborn and want him to go and never come back(to me). I kept telling myself: you won't regret, you did the right thing, blah blah blah just to comfort myself but I had a really hard time for another 1 or 2 weeks. I know, deep in my heart, I love him more than anything, but I kept telling myself that he's not the one and it's very hard for a LDR, just to cut him out of my life.


I sometimes still feel very regret about letting him go, but what can I do now? That's my decision, and I'd hurt him so so much, I can't even imagine it. I looked back to our emails and our chats, every words by him was so full of passion, and love. Maybe I was too young to understand all about that, but for me, right now, I can feel how much passion and love he had put in those words, I just didn't realize it. Every emails he sent to me were like love letter, so long, and so passionate. At that time, I just can't accept so much of his love, when I can't give him back in return. His love made me breathless, and stress(I can see from my reply in those emails), that's why I wanted to let him go/leave him.


I was hardly regret in decision I've made in my life, but now, I'm super regret for letting him go. If I didn't, he would have came to Malaysia in last Christmas, and I would have spent my holiday in Canada after new year. I know I wouldn't change anything by writing this post, but I just wanna spit everything out here, the only place I can write anything I want. He's dating a girl in Canada now, and I'm very happy for him, since he looks happy being with her.

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Matt, even we didn't make through it, but thanks for the time you sacrificed your sleep and chat with me, accompany me and make me happy. I will always remember that moment, when we're so in love, like there's no distance between us. And thanks for the love you gave me. Sorry for hurting you so much, and hope you will forgive me. 












Sophie